sigh
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Somebody’s lying.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit