I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?