5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
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me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights