Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I saw nothing
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem