If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.