If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Very good! 👍😂