7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“Sheer Arrogance”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.