Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
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[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
A bold strategy
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365