Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.