if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?