Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.