Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10