I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.