Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.