Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I drew y’all a little something.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Imma just leave this here…………
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.