What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
The honesty is refreshing
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
japanese corn
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.