[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?