I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
True
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong