“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Banking tips
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.