🤣dope
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
The future is now.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.