[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind