People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
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Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.