Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes