[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I will never stop laughing at this
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.