A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.