As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*