My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
You Might Also Like
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards