Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
got so much cardio in today
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively