If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.