Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
is this a threat
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!