[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I鈥檓 so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet鈥檚*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what鈥檚 up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won鈥檛 talk… Lol… I鈥檓 done.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 馃槀
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
馃槵
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
A fake ID that makes you younger
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can鈥檛 find it
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*