This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Phones down.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
my favorite genre of twitter
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.