Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
How to properly lift a body
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.