If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
and now we wait
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.