AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
You Might Also Like
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Good morning, Twitter x
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A