Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
#Caturday
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.