Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler