water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.