Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
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people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.