Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.