*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
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“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night