i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.