me and who
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you