[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.