There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
LA today:
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.