[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
This is I, Robot all over again
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I already tried new things thanks.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.