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Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
The smoothest fall of all time
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*