ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Overindulged this afternoon.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT