“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
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If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.