Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.